Get me to the church on time! (AKA - I don’t think we’re near “gins, groins and jabrones” anymore)

Technically, I’m Catholic. Technically is the operative word here. If you were to assign a percentage point to it, I would be something like 8% Catholic. If it were politics, I would be one of those annoying people who says crap like, “I always vote Liberal, but this time . . .”

I was baptised as a Catholic. My heritage is Italian-Canadian and German-Canadian (both sides being Catholic). My early years were spent in Laval, Quebec where I attended Catholic elementary school. It was a “REAL” Catholic school – several of the teaching staff were nuns, we had a priest at the school and we regularly did confession at school. The popular girls compared rosaries like they were expensive jewellery (some were!) – as such, we often prayed at lunch. When I think back to those school days, a song we used to sing always forms the soundtrack: “I thank the Lord for giving me the things I need/The sun and the rain and the appleseed/ The Lord is good to me.” 24 years later I can still remember that song! Now, that’s effective indoctrination!

I’m the kind of Catholic that doesn’t find jokes about priests and small children too funny. I’m the kind of Catholic who pays her school taxes to the Catholic system, but can’t tell you anything at all about catechism. I’m the kind of Catholic who visits historic churches and leaves money all over the place, but doesn’t pray. I’m the kind of Catholic who NEVER goes to church and has no real interest in starting. The problem is that I’m also the kind of Catholic who wants to have my kid baptised in the Catholic Church.

I’ve been doing some basic research on this in order to find out what needs to happen. One parent needs to be Catholic – check! The other at least baptised – check! Then I found out both parents need to attend “baptism preparation” class. OK, not exactly how I’d like to spend a weekend, but no real problem, so check! Finally, yesterday in fact, I called the church that will be the lucky winner of the “save Daniel’s soul sweepstakes.” I spoke to someone who I’m pretty sure was a nun because I felt like I was in Catholic school again.

I was not prepared for the phone conversation to be 15 minutes of “heap scorn on the heathen.” I’m not sure what I expected – I assumed with dwindling numbers and so on the church would be eager to welcome us, save an immortal soul, and potentially add some numbers to the flock. However, this lady was more than somewhat suspect of both my intentions and moral fibre. It was a rare moment in modern society where you actually feel that someone is commenting that your “lifestyle choices” are just plain shit. It was refreshing – in the same way that I imagine colonics are.

Below, is a paraphrasing of some of the Phone Call of Scorn:

Scorning # 1 - “Nice Lady” asks for our names. I haven’t changed my surname. “Are you married?” she gasps. “Oh, yes,” I exclaim, thinking “now I’m acing this!” “What church were you married in?” she wants to know. Um, the church of justice of the peace?! I hear her writing down something, probably along the lines of “not really married.”

Scorning #2 – I haven’t been to church since when?! The early Brian Mulroney years. “I see.”

Scorning #3 – If I haven’t been to church in forever, why do I even want to baptise my son? I figure this isn’t the time to explain my theory about taking out a religious insurance policy “just in case” the RCs are right.

Scorning #4 – Nice Lady launches into a bit of a speech, about how baptising my son means committing to raising him as a Catholic (after inquiring if Dustin has any objections due to him being a non-RC and all) and attending church again. She says something along the lines of, “Of course, you wouldn’t have any intention of just baptising him and never setting foot in our church again, right? [I’m not even given time to answer, as this concept is so clearly completely preposterous and ridiculous!] Therefore, if you want to baptise your son, you should start attending church right away. You need to pick up some baptismal and course forms anyway – why don’t you pick them up at a mass in the near future.” Damn she’s good! She does have God on her side, though (much like the Italian soccer team, come to think of it). I squeak out something like “Of course, and what times are mass held?”

So folks, it looks like me, yes me of all people, will be attending church in the near future. I’m sure this alone will promise to keep the blog interesting!!