“You only answer, ‘perhaps, perhaps, perhaps’”

Perhaps it’s the sub-arctic weather conditions of late. Perhaps it’s the fact that I am doing contract work from home on top of the three days/week I’m at my real job. Perhaps it’s that I’m trying to gear up for that “most wonderful time of the year.” Whatever “it” is, though, it has me totally out of sorts.

For starters I just feel like I don’t have fun anymore, but this is due to a combination of not really knowing what fun is for me now and in a weird way not wanting the old forms of fun. I think that I am hung up on what “old fun” was and don’t know how to redefine fun for myself now.

I fully admit that whatever is wrong here is entirely my fault. The reality is that I hardly ever “go out” anymore, but on the other hand I don’t really WANT to go out anymore. I’m really not that interested in the bar scene or the club scene anymore – and this does shock me on several levels, as I used to love “the pub.” I’m not that interested in “going dancing,” although I’m sure I’d enjoy it if I did. I’m really not into being out late anymore, as I am up at 7 or 8 am everyday now. No matter where I sleep in the house, the incessant squeals and screams of D. Jr. manage to wake me up.

Babysitting is an issue (we don’t have lots of options), so when D. Sr. and I can acquire babysitting and do go out, our first priority is always “date night” with each other. If we go out with friends our new idea of a good time is dinner and/or a movie sans enfant and being home by 11 pm or midnight.

So, the going out/having fun thing is just one aspect of my being out of sorts lately, but it is a large part of it. I think I have been working way too much over the last several months and haven’t replaced my old outlets (i.e. “the pub”) with anything new. And life has me feeling hugely anti-social, reclusive and stressed out right now. I realize that I’m not reaching out to my friends - my social scene - as I should be, but for some reason am not really motivated to do so.

The other thing that has me screwed up right now is the festive season that seems to be officially upon us. Normally, I love Christmas. I like to decorate the house all cheesy and love buying presents, doing Christmas cards, etc. I’m not crafty and I don’t often bake or anything, but I like the fact that I can do a tree, make cookies, and send out cards once a year and kind of satisfy that aspect of myself (whatever that is!). This year, however, I feel like I couldn’t care less. It ALL seems like a chore – something else that has to be slotted in on the “to do” list – and I feel like I’m just going through the motions. It feels unnatural somehow!

I think another aspect of my neuroses is the kind of half-assed way I have embraced motherhood. I love my son more than I ever thought it was humanly possible “to love.” I actually TRULY enjoy just being at home with him now and doing things with him because he is really quite “fun” and comical! But I don’t really like the whole “mom scene” at all – or maybe it’s the mom scene I have found here. I just don’t want to compare milestones and do playgroups, etc. I don’t want to hear everyone’s holier than thou crap that often comes up at these things. When I do the baby programs at work I’m always amazed at how much “one-up-manship” happens – whose kid is bigger, brighter, walking, talking, etc. first, who only feeds organic, who only clothes in cotton. I am having a hard time finding other moms “like me” (who else only drinks gin and tonic? who else is addicted to Buffy and Homicide? who else wants to talk politics while playing with mega-blocks and wiping up drool?), but this seems to be a universal complaint! I simply haven’t found my mom scene. Yes, I have my once-weekly sessions with my sister-in-law, which I LOVE, but let’s face it, they don’t exactly constitute a mom scene of new friends for D. Jr. and me!

So, perhaps I’m depressed or stressed or seasonally affected or some other condition. Perhaps I’m just overworked and under-appreciating myself! Perhaps this is just my “new normal” right now. Whatever it is, I hope to get a handle on it soon. . . my husband and I are having a date night on Saturday and, goddamn it, I’m going to have fun.